I really have been trying to be who I am. But who is that? Lately I’ve found myself constantly ignoring the part of me that is questioning what I’m currently doing, where I’m going and why I’m here. I know that sounds overly dramatic, but that’s it. Darn it, I have no clue what I’m saying. I’ve already graduated from college, I haven’t yet turned 21 and I’m living at home while I get my life together. It’s just so strange and alienating to know that while in the next month most my friends are going back to their last year of school, I’m going to be moving on with my life. This is a moment of sheer change for me and I’ve always prided myself in accepting it and loving and even needing change. Yet here I am, lazying around the house, stagnant. Because I don’t know how to move on, how to be okay with thinking that I’m actually an adult and that I need to start my life. Truth is, I don’t know how to do any of that. It’s such a foreign concept, to be out of school for more than just a summer. I know that I’ll be going back soon, once I have experience in the field and have figured out what I want to pursue. I guess I should make a list. A kind of plan. Not a hardass this-is-the-deadline-by-which-I-have-to-be-in-labor-by kind of thing, but a loose “To Do” list, if you will. Something to strive for within the next few months. I need to get myself motivated enough to do this, to start my life. Actually, to continue it. I realize that I’ve already done a lot, even at my age. I’m not trying to brag, just realizing that I have accomplished stuff – something that is difficult for me to do, acknowledge something other than my short-comings. Until I realize that I’m done refueling and simply procrastinating now and finally get my motor running, I won’t be okay with myself.
Where does that leave me? Alone, confused, wondering. Most of all lost. I don’t know who I am, what I want to be, how to get there or how to figure any of it out. All I really seem to know is my name. But that’s it. I guess for now that’ll have to be enough.