Let the minutes show

Let the minutes show the onset of another wave of panic. It seems that it happens to me literally every time I start thinking about graduate school and the application process I am at the brink of undertaking. I get that it’s stressful for everyone but damn, this freaking sucks. Thing is that I know that if my mom had her way about it, I would already be in graduate school furthering my education. But the problem is that I don’t yet know what the hell it is I want. I’ve never actually had to know, really. The answer of what I should do and where I should be has always either been decided for me, been what I felt was the right thing to do, or the answer has always been right on front of my face. I know that as time goes on and we become adults and start taking on an increasing amount of responsibility, it’s part of life to be burdened by more complex choices. Choosing graduate school now or later. Work in this or in that. Live here or there. I’m all up for change, trust me. If I could do it with the wave of a wand, I wouldn’t be living in this state anymore and I would be… what?

I read yesterday that every choice you make, even as minutely important as those you make on a daily basis, is part of the adventure story you are writing for yourself. This is the point where I have to decide how I want the rest of this chapter to go. I don’t actually think that choosing one way or the other will super significantly change where I wind up, though. I just have the feeling that one path is right and one is less right for me. I just don’t know which one. And that sucks. There are two ways that I can make this go: I can choose to go ahead work like mad and submit those applications and wait and see if I get accepted anywhere and choose which program to study and what to get my masters in; or I can choose to apply to another crap ton of places, but this time for jobs instead, and wait to hear back about where I get accepted and choose one that I believe will be the best fit for me right now.

Damn, I guess the two really aren’t as different as I thought they would be; at the very least the process is the same. Don’t worry, I’m not crazy enough to think that working at a bank would be the same as getting as master in foreign service. I’m just really trying to figure out if my hesitation is due to fear of rejection or if there is really something deeper that is holding me back. If I wasn’t burdened with the knowledge that wherever I choose to go, my family will most likely follow; if I wasn’t burdened with the fear of letting down the people around me and thus myself; if I wasn’t burdened with this fear of the future and the uncertainty about what’s to come, what would I do? Would I really keep on studying like a diligent student from a typical immigrant family? Would I choose to travel the world or do something a little crazier like a typical american kid? I haven’t the slightest clue. I guess that’s the other thing, I haven’t yet discovered who I am and who I want to become. But if I don’t choose a path, how will I shape myself into someone? Gahhh. This damn chicken and egg conundrum is just as confusing as the whole you need to have experience to work here but no one will hire you in order to gain that experience.

Right before sitting down to write this post, I decided that I would apply to both grad programs and jobs and decide from there. I wonder if that’s what I really should do. I guess that if I apply to programs and don’t get in, I can then apply for jobs. That way I would be able to more adequately focus on each task and thus increase the likelihood that I will be accepted in the first place.

Want to know the most amusing part of all of this? I know how this story ends. Not my whole life, I’m not claiming to be psychic or anything, but just this part right now. I know that I am going to eventually, and by that I mean tomorrow, give in and send out those emails asking for letters of recommendation so that I will be able to get started on my applications. I know that I will work, semi-diligently at least, on those apps so that I will make my mom and myself (?) happy. I reeeeally hope that I will succeed in getting into one of those programs and be able to find a happy medium by studying and working part time (as I will have to inevitably do in order to afford to live in the places where I want to go to school). Maybe I’ll be able to find the happy medium with a combination of the things I’m applying to. Only time will tell, I guess.

Let the minutes show that I apologize for the long rant. I really needed to talk it out with someone, but I couldn’t actually come up with someone that I felt would give me the answers I need and would actually reply to my messages and calls. The reality is that I know that I can’t let someone else choose this for me. I have to make the conscious decisions to shape my future and myself. I just hope that regardless of what I choose, I will be at peace and happy with my choices.

Other quick mini-rant: I hate feeling like the people you most want to talk to aren’t there for you. I completely understand that everyone is busy, especially at this point in our lives. But is it really that difficult to send the occasional message saying hi, just hi, to show that you haven’t forgotten about someone? To be perfectly fair, I don’t know what going on with their lives either (though through no choice of my own since I constantly ask yet appear to be ignored). I guess there could be something going on that prevents them from telling me or getting in touch or they might be going through the same, if not more, stressful situations as me or… I don’t know. I can’t even justify it in my head while I know it literally only takes a few minutes to type a quick message. It sucks to feel alone while knowing there are people that are there for you but you would rather know how another friend is doing. If only to know they’re okay.

(PS: Also excuse my poor grammar and occasional misspelling. I write these posts in a rush of adrenaline and aren’t later focused enough to re-read them appropriately.)

Obsessively listening to: Every song by Hurts on repeat.

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