Joke. Lie. Truth.

It’s like a cruel joke. The joke where someone promises you something so irresistibly beautiful and alluring just to place enormous obstacles that would require Herculean efforts to just try to overcome them. No so much of a joke, then. It’s so cruel it almost becomes a lie. It’s tough to believe that I’m even in this position. I am so thankful, in some ways, to get to make this decision. But it would be about a thousand, or 70,000 in this case, times easier if I didn’t have to be in my shoes at the moment. The things that a desperate mind dares to begin to want are appalling to me. Especially my mind. There are so many things that race a million miles a minute, barely leaving an impression of having existed. Yet the fact that they were there, even if it was for a split second, makes me feel like an awful human being. Not to mention daughter, friend, sister.

I was warned about two years ago about this moment. The professor cautioned me against applying before I was ready. Maybe I should have listened. I let fear of stagnation, of not being strong enough to dare to venture outside of what’s expected of me, of being too lazy to do the required work get in my way. But, at the same time, it led me to these incredible moments right before the body paralyzing self-doubt kicked in again where I was good enough. I was actually accepted to these two schools. The proof still exists even though part of me expects it to be gone every time I go reread it.

I need to stop being so melodramatic. I need to take the time to sit down and think about this for myself. This can’t be a choice that I make for, or even based on, other people. It’s a large commitment, not just the two years of my life, but the loans I’d have to get. Because first and foremost, there is no way that I’d allow my mom to help with a large portion of it; it’s simply not going to happen no matter how much she disagrees.

I think I may need to take this weekend to reflect, review, assess, and search for jobs. We always knew that growing up would be difficult, but this is more overwhelming than I ever expected it to be.


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