With my cousin arriving in the states today, I have increasingly found myself getting more jealous, a bit frustrated, and guilty. I never really thought about how difficult it would be to have her stay with my family in my room. I am so painfully aware that I’m being petty (hence the guilt) but I have not been able to stop myself from feeling this way. Ally’s agreement and taking this a thousand steps too far doesn’t help me get rid of these feelings. I know that I’m not being replaced and I know that this is a wonderful opportunity for her. Yet, that stupid pull floating in the section above my stomach and right below my heart isn’t assuaged. I’ve been trying to place a logical reason on why I feel this way but it has continued to allude me. Is it because this isn’t really a rational response? I guess it may too driven my emotion. Though, now that I’m considering it further, I can’t help but think that it could be due to my insecurity in making my mom proud, in knowing that she will inevitably take some of my roles while I’m away, in being (again) painfully aware that I haven’t done as much as I should have to establish my life here. Anyway, I’ll have to worry about this later. This essay on nuclear proliferation isn’t going to write itself.