Mounting frustration and guilt

With my cousin arriving in the states today, I have increasingly found myself getting more jealous, a bit frustrated, and guilty. I never really thought about how difficult it would be to have her stay with my family in my room. I am so painfully aware that I’m being petty (hence the guilt) but I have not been able to stop myself from feeling this way. Ally’s agreement and taking this a thousand steps too far doesn’t help me get rid of these feelings. I know that I’m not being replaced and I know that this is a wonderful opportunity for her. Yet, that stupid pull floating in the section above my stomach and right below my heart isn’t assuaged. I’ve been trying to place a logical reason on why I feel this way but it has continued to allude me. Is it because this isn’t really a rational response? I guess it may too driven my emotion. Though, now that I’m considering it further, I can’t help but think that it could be due to my insecurity in making my mom proud, in knowing that she will inevitably take some of my roles while I’m away, in being (again) painfully aware that I haven’t done as much as I should have to establish my life here. Anyway, I’ll have to worry about this later. This essay on nuclear proliferation isn’t going to write itself.

Eleven years

Circa August 20, 2003. Two young girls, then strangers, board school bus 2015.  One sits, lonely in this new stage of life. The other looks around and makes eye contact. She approaches the girl that is sitting and asks if she can sit with her. The girl says yes. A beautiful friendship is born.

– 11 years later –

Yes, today, circa. Ally and I made up the August 20th date since we weren’t sure on which day we actually met. Today we celebrate 11 crazy, fun, adventurous, heartbreaking, awe-inspiring years of being best friends. And today, we live together. Being friends with Ally has been quite the roller coaster, especially in the past few years. Yet we somehow ended here… living together in Virginia. Yup, Virginia. But I’ll get to that later.

Here’s to 11 and more years of an even better, stronger friendship.

Joke. Lie. Truth.

It’s like a cruel joke. The joke where someone promises you something so irresistibly beautiful and alluring just to place enormous obstacles that would require Herculean efforts to just try to overcome them. No so much of a joke, then. It’s so cruel it almost becomes a lie. It’s tough to believe that I’m even in this position. I am so thankful, in some ways, to get to make this decision. But it would be about a thousand, or 70,000 in this case, times easier if I didn’t have to be in my shoes at the moment. The things that a desperate mind dares to begin to want are appalling to me. Especially my mind. There are so many things that race a million miles a minute, barely leaving an impression of having existed. Yet the fact that they were there, even if it was for a split second, makes me feel like an awful human being. Not to mention daughter, friend, sister.

I was warned about two years ago about this moment. The professor cautioned me against applying before I was ready. Maybe I should have listened. I let fear of stagnation, of not being strong enough to dare to venture outside of what’s expected of me, of being too lazy to do the required work get in my way. But, at the same time, it led me to these incredible moments right before the body paralyzing self-doubt kicked in again where I was good enough. I was actually accepted to these two schools. The proof still exists even though part of me expects it to be gone every time I go reread it.

I need to stop being so melodramatic. I need to take the time to sit down and think about this for myself. This can’t be a choice that I make for, or even based on, other people. It’s a large commitment, not just the two years of my life, but the loans I’d have to get. Because first and foremost, there is no way that I’d allow my mom to help with a large portion of it; it’s simply not going to happen no matter how much she disagrees.

I think I may need to take this weekend to reflect, review, assess, and search for jobs. We always knew that growing up would be difficult, but this is more overwhelming than I ever expected it to be.

How to mix

It’s always really difficult to figure out exactly how, and even if you want, to mix different groups of friends together. I’ve been friends with Ally for about a decade now and yet she never really spent a significant amount of time with my friends from high school. It’s only until recently that I have really started to mix the two groups together and I’m not entirely sure what to think about it. Having worlds that you generally keep separate cross is one thing, but figuring out how to blend them together in a way that is acceptable and enjoyable for everyone is a whole other enchilada.

The problem that I keep running into is that I’m oddly self conscious of my friendships and I’m not sure what one party thinks of the other. I tend to, and I’m sure a lot of people are like this too, have different kinds of friendships with different people. Having a friendship that was forged in middle school and one that was forged in high school actually results in vastly different friendships down the line. Behaviours, habits, customs all tend to be different even though you are technically the same person. Learning how to let other people see sides of you and in a way be open to them judging your other friends and your other friendships is a difficult thing to do.

But let’s be honest. The more and more I think about it, I’m realizing that I’m not being fair. I have introduced and mixed The Ukrainian with my college friends without so much as a hitch. Why is this time different? Is it possible that I’m slightly embarrassed by certain friends and am afraid of my other friends judging me and them?

(Half) truths

Why is it that we find it so difficult sometimes to be truthful to others and to ourselves? Maybe it’s just me, but I constantly find little white lies spilling out of my lips as if they were the droplets of a slow-leaking faucet. I keep trying to find the appropriate wrench to use to seal the leak, but my (semi enthusiastic) efforts have proved fruitless.

A few weeks ago I watched the movie “Chasing Liberty” with my mom. It’s a cute romantic comedy where the president’s daughter, Anna Foster, while on a Europe trip with her parents, essentially runs away in order to find her freedom. In the movie, Anna (played by Mandy Moore) often tells Ben Calder (Matthew Goode) her theories about life. One of them is a rather long and convoluted exploration of truths and lies and how white lies can be good, but lying is bad and sometimes it’s better to hear the lies and that half-truths are essentially lies but she isn’t sure if that’s good or bad. Or something along those lines. That explanation and something said by Kevin the Therapist on HIMYM (that while something may need to be said doesn’t mean it needs to be heard) has had me pondering the level of my lies lately.

I have to admit that I’ve done somethings I’m not 100% proud of in my life. And I’ve done things that, while I’m “proud” of them, it’s for the wrong reasons and I would never admit them to anyone. It seems sometimes that I get bored with the way my life is and I do things to spice it up, both for myself and for others. Or maybe it’s just for my own amusement. Being able to get away with a long term lie is kind of rush. Not one that I should like, but one that I find myself searching for now and again. To be fair, none of the lies that I have told would hurt anyone that I told them to (other than them not trusting me anymore).

And yet I can be such a hypocrite. I hate when friends lie to me. I hate the white “oh, I have your present but it won’t be ready until after christmas” white lies. I hate the “no, I haven’t spoken to him since we broke up” outright lies. I hate it when people think they can get away with a lie, a half truth, or anything in between. And I hate it even more when they do. I think that since I don’t trust people easily, I would ideally like for them to be truthful all the time. It would make life easier in some ways, wouldn’t it? If you knew in your heart that everything someone said was the truth. But I know there are some truths best left alone. While something needs to be said does not mean it needs to be heard. Sometimes the truth can hurt people just as much, or even more so, than lies. Gosh, we’re a complicated species.

PS:  Three down, two to go.

Currently listening to: Lego House by Ed Sheeran

Drumroll, please

I’m about 15 minutes away from submitting my first ever graduate school application. My palms are starting to sweat. My heart is beating. I might throw up. Well, not really. But I really am kind of freaking out.

I have been trying to upload my optional essay for the past 10 minutes. This a bit insane. It just keeps saying it’s loading and not really doing much. Alright, scratch that. After a total of about 542 “seconds lapsed”, I was informed that error 503 had occurred and to upload it as .pdf instead. Thank the heavens for formatting.

And it’s done. Officially. How did that happen? I’m not entirely sure.

So. I started this post about an hour ago and a small 50 ton weight has lifted on my shoulders as another 75 ton weight takes its place. My next application is due tomorrow and I am unfortunately nowhere near as prepared for it. Add to that the fact that my uncle and cousins are here with us (that’s a whole other story), and I have a crap ton of stuff to do and definitely not enough time to do it.

If these days were analyzed by an English class…

Where I live it has been raining pretty much nonstop since about 1:45am into the new year. Everyone has been complaining about it, saying they are tired of the cold, the rain, the overcast sky. I have a slightly different take on it: I love it. If these days were analyzed by a high school English class, they would say that the rain is washing away the old, bringing the new, bringing change and rebirth. I actually pretty much adore the fact that the new year was started by this cleansing rain that will (metaphorically) allow us to have the fresh starts some of us desperately want. Embrace the rain, it’ll help the flowers bloom and trees grow tall. It’s the cleanse we want to forget (or simply distance ourselves from) 2013 and in a few days celebrate the wonder of 2014 when the overcast skies part and show the clear blue sky and brightly shinning sun!

I’d like to introduce 2014!

Happy New Year 2014

Happy New Year 2014 (Photo credit: amytrippmyers)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy new year! It’s been 2014 for almost 24 hours, can you believe it?! Last year flew by like a bird desperate to outrun the blizzards of the north. I hope that 2014 brings you everything you need, want and deserve. Fresh starts are always one of the most invigorating and refreshing things you can get. Although a simply change in the last number of the date doesn’t always mean that you get the freshest of starts, it’s a good time for change. I know many people make resolutions to loose weight, volunteer more, forgive those grudges you are still holding on to, etc. While those resolutions are admirable and noble, it’s important that we keep working at them. It’s easy to say that you are going to do x, y, and z but if you only make it as far as d, e, and f it can leave you feeling like you are a failure. Don’t forget to acknowledge the advancements you make and keep striving for that ultimate goal. Let’s work together to make this the best year for everyone.

 

Croquet and gin

Today The Ukrainian hosted The Second Annual Croquet Lawn Party. It was my first time attending since last year I was out of town when the first one fell together at the last minute, so I was over the moon thrilled to be attending this one. We made super last minute invitations with a little insert saying that the attire was formal. Ally and I went shopping yesterday at local consignment store and I bought the most “croquet-y” dress I could find and then today I spent the better part of about 4 hours going from store to store with my mom looking for a black blazer, black tights, and a matching hat. The end result wasn’t too shabby, if I do say so myself and Ally and I promptly arrived at “half past eight in the evening” (as the invitation stated) at the directed estate. It was a wonderful night of croquet, new people (mostly for Ally who was freaking out when we were getting ready), crumpets and scones, tea, gin, Pimm’s, and Cards Against Humanity. We had a really great time learning to play croquet by christmas lights and flash lights.

Now, we are very much looking forward to tomorrow – new year’s. We have a loose plan set, because we wouldn’t be us if we actually had a carefully (or sort of) constructed plan, and I simply cannot wait. 2013 has been a good year to me, I can’t deny that. But I still, as is human nature, find myself looking at the greener grass on the other side of the fence. I guess it’s a good thing to see it as that anyway, since we hardly have a say on time passing! I’m looking to starting out the new year strong by submitting my grad school applications (ones that I feel really good about, hopefully), getting fit for my cousin’s wedding in Colombia in early March, hearing back from grad schools (all good news, please!), and having that to look forward to later in the year. I feel good about 2014. No matter happens, it will be a great year.

Merry Christmas!

Christmas tree

Christmas tree (Photo credit: Wikipedia

I hope everyone has had an absolutely wonderful and merry Christmas. Being from Colombia, we actually do most of our celebrating on the 24th so that we are all together when Christmas Day starts. My house tends to be relatively quiet around the holidays since only my mom, brother and I live here. But we manage to have some fun while we cook a modest Christmas dinner together, play tons of board games to pass the time, and anxiously wait until midnight to open presents. While getting to open gifts makes Christmas exciting, I think that just being to be together as a family is reason enough to be happy!