There is big difference between living your life on the edge while taking risks and being crazy and insane, which ever the case may be. But, as I’ve made clear through my already confusing and roundabout previous posts, the problem here lies in knowing the difference. I think the boundary depends on the person, their current circumstances, and the challenge that is place in front of them that they are trying to overcome. Nevertheless, good luck 😉
PS: Merry Christmas Eve! I hope you are enjoying (actually, not pretending to) family time and getting to be warm and safe during this time. We are lucky enough to get to be here!
So here is “my” (if slightly stolen) theory of self-sabotage. Everyone does it in one way or another. You get in your way and prevent your own success so you won’t have to know whether or not you are good enough or will actually accomplish something you want. I keep finding myself getting in my own way with regards to my grad school application process. I keep putting things off until the last possible minute and may have really done it now. I forgot/kept putting off requesting transcripts for my schools. I’m not entirely sure if I requested them in time since winter break cuts everything off. We’ll have to see what happens. But I’ve already done rough drafts of essays for two schools. I still have a lot of work to do before my deadline in 10 days. The good things is that after Monday, my boss will be on break and I’m just going to into the office and sit and work on apps so I’m around if they need me. I’m excited to get this done, I’m a little nervous that my professors won’t get things turned in on time. Three of the five have finished or started my recommendations, but the last two haven’t even acknowledged the receipt of my email. Ahhhhh. So much stress! But I know it’ll all pay off. It has to.
I keep finding myself in situations where I am forced to ask myself: Should I quit or keep going? It’s always so tough to know when to gracefully bow out and when to push through and keep on fighting. It’s happened to me with friendships, with job searches, with knowing when to say what. Right now, though, it has all been about grad school apps. I finally put on my big girl pants and sent out the emails that I worked on for about three days asking professors for grad school letters of recommendation. The first one that replied was so kind and “honored” to help me that I was elated and sure that the rest would follow suit. However, much to my dismay I got another reply that said the professor was on sabbatical and had very limited access to email. Then another from a professor saying he would be happy to help, but he felt that I should maybe try asking other professors with whom I took classes more directly related to my future studies. And he’s absolutely right. While I briefly considered that fact, it was largely outweighed by my discomfort asking other professors (who I’m convinced won’t remember me) for such a huge favor.
So far, I have sent out 6 emails and gotten 1 “yes”, 1 “if you can’t find someone else”, and 1 that I’m sure won’t come to fruition. It’s a terrifying process to go through, and I once again find myself wondering if I should continue hoping and working as hard as I can on the applications, or if I should heed the signs from the universe that it’s not the right time. How do you know when the universe is kicking you to the ground so you’ll fight back VS. when the universe if making you fall so you realize it’s not meant to be, at least not yet? I think that for now, I’m going to keep on keeping on. And if I don’t have the three (!) recommendations that are required by December 5th, I’ll reconsider my current position. Either way, I can keep asking professors for much longer because of the time strain it would put on them. Damn me and my tendency to procrastinate as a coping mechanism!
I have been completely slacking on posting for the past few, very hectic, days. I’m going to work backwards and post them (cheating and changing the dates) so that I will be all caught up. It may take a bit, but I will keep on and succeed in catching up!
With the possibility of the impending arrival of my family members, my mom has made it abundantly clear that she expects everything to be sparkling and organized when they (and even if they do not) arrive. What’s most amusing, and there are few things to choose from, is the old memories that get dug up in the process. I had to sort through my stuffed animal collection (yes, I know I should be embarrassed) to see which ones we would give away and which I refused to part with. While I was doing that, I found this doll that I have had since I was born. This poor doll is 21 years old and, while she is not in bad condition, she hasn’t been taken good care of. My mom started telling me the story of how I ended up with her and how surprised she was that I still had her. I took the opportunity to point out how important having tangible objects is because they are very real connections to events that we have long forgotten. It’s truly amazing and poetic to me.
Ally showed me this movie/documentary “Bridegroom” that is based on a YouTube video by Shane (link below). I don’t want to say too much about it because if you haven’t seen it, you really should. It’s an eye opening video about the lack of rights for same-sex couples, especially during times of tragedy. I have gay friends. I have lesbian friends. I have bisexual friends. Regardless of what some people think, their relationships don’t affect anyone else other than the people involved in them. Their love affects the world in the same way that heterosexual love affects the world. It’s just love. Human love. It’s the same love. It’s time for equal rights. How are we still discussing this?
I have this thing where I want my friends to be happy. I really want them to be happy. It frustrates me so much that my friends, who I know deserve much more, settle for something less than they should. It annoys me that the know they aren’t completely happy and yet keep on making excuses for why they can’t (won’t) change something in order to be happier. Excuses like “things will get better”, and “it’s just too hard”, and “it’s not that simple”, and “I make really good tips here”. I don’t get it. If it is within your power to change whatever is making you unhappy, why not do it? I understand that it’s easier said than done. That to change a job, you need to save and take time when are you tired or would rather enjoy your days off to work on the job hunt. That bigger changes require plans and time and a lot of energy. But wouldn’t it be worth it? Wouldn’t it be worth it to be happy? I would so much rather be more miserable for a few weeks while I kill myself making the change happen than being moderately depressed the rest of my life because I never did what I really wanted to do and should have done.
I guess the real problems stems from fear of the unknown. They say devil you have is better than the one you don’t know. But is it really? You don’t actually know that. Fear of the future is all in our heads. It’s fear of something that may or may not pass. Fear for something that could or could not change us. Fear of something that could or could not make us happier. I think it’s worth the risk. Especially if you are unhappy with more than 2 of the following: 1) where you are, 2) the job you have, and 3) the people you are surrounded by (Credit to an Upworthy video I saw way too long ago to actually find). Our lives really aren’t that long when you factor in how long it takes us to get through school, how long we spend asleep, in the bathroom, getting ready, cooking and eating meals, etc. Shouldn’t your job or your free time be well spent with people and places you are happy to be with and at?
I know it’s not that easy to admit you need to change something and to follow through with that change. And I know that I annoy friends when I’m insistent on the fact that they should do and be more. But I hope they know I just say it because I want them to be really happy with what they are doing and who they are. It’s something that I also have to work on, but while I work on figuring out what it is I want, I’ll continue to push other people to be better, more, happier. It’s perfectly fine to work at a restaurant or at a grocery store your entire life, if that’s what you want to do and what you are content doing. But wasting potential is one of the biggest slaps in the face you can give the universe. Don’t let time pass by without being as happy as you can. It’s work to do so, but it’s worthwhile work.
It’s been a bit of a long day for me today. I volunteered from 8:30-3:30 nonstop without getting to get lunch until I made it home at 4:00. Then I chilled at home until my mom finished work and we went to run some errands. And I did it all in heels. Okay, I may have been exaggerating the long day part. As far as days go, mine have tended to be a bit (a lot) on the chill side as of late. I’m just really not a heels kind of girl and wearing them all day made me happy, proud, and achy. Tomorrow I will revert back to my reliable flats.
On to the wisdom. There is this amazing facebook page that I am pretty much addicted to. It’s called Humans of New York (HONY) and it’s Brandon Stanton’s attempt at a photographic census of New York. The people he interviews have such incredible snippets of wisdom, that I feel compelled to at least share this one since it rings true for my life at the moment:
In case the link doesn’t work for some reason or another, here is what the quote for the picture was:
“If you could give one piece of advice to a large group of people, what would it be?”
“If something can be destroyed by truth, it should be.”
“I like that. Where’d it come from?”
“I’m not sure exactly. But it’s really just another way of stating the scientific method. We shouldn’t be clinging to hypotheses that are contradicted by observation.”
The sucky part is that it’s really tough to let go of our hypotheses about people, especially those we’ve formed for ourselves over a long period of time.
Often when I’m on facebook, I find myself clicking on different links that people post for everyone to see. I’m not usually as compelled to share or remember them as much as these:
http://www.slideshare.net/VistaComm/dr-phil-test-1670404 (I got a 40. Right on the cusp, interesting!)
(note: all rights where they are due, I don’t own any of these, I just wanted to share and remember them)
Just thought I’d throw a quick note out there. I need to get off facebook permanently. I keep seeing high school and middle school acquaintances that are getting engaged and my love life is dryly non-existent. I’m too young for this shit. I think that 22 or 23 is too young to get engaged. What’s wrong with waiting a few years and waiting until you have a steady job and have dealt with more than just the honeymoon phase of a relationship? Getting married this young worked back in the day, but with humans living longer and longer, it’s no surprise an increasing rate of people are getting divorces. You can’t expect yourself (or someone else) to be the same person you were when you were in your early 20s. People and life change and it’s too difficult to change at the same rate and in the same way as someone else. Don’t get me wrong, I love the idea of high school or even college sweet hearts and I would be devastated if the “Ukrainian” and Phantom wound up breaking up. But realistically, very few couples that meet this early in their lives will be compatible forever. Maybe people should slow down a bit and live more of their lives before settling down and finding someone they are more likely to be compatible with further down the line. That’s my cynical two cents.
Anillos de Matrimonio, Aros de Matrimonio (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Or maybe I’m just jealous.